Many people will tell you that there’s never a “right time” to have a baby. I firmly disagree. Not only from my own life experiences but from the many people and couples that I know and are a part of my life.
I had my first daughter at 18. I was a senior in high school, and she was born a few months after I graduated in 1996. That was not the right time to have a baby. Being a single teen mom was difficult and a lot of responsibility for a young person. Having my daughter at a young age shaped me into the person I am today. I wouldn’t change it for the world but to say “anytime” is a great time for a baby simplifies one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make in your lifetime.
Alexis is now 24 years old. She’s bright, caring, a college graduate and runs the digital marketing department at our family’s car dealership.
I can’t think of anything that so deeply changes you or your life like having a baby. You think you know what being a parent is going to be like before you have kids, but you have no idea. Maybe you babysat a lot or have lots of nieces or nephews. Those experiences don’t even begin to give you a glimpse into the profound changes your life will take after having a child of your own.
The moment you have a baby, you forever have another human being wandering the world that you’ll feel completely responsible for (even when they’re older). You wear your heart on your sleeve eternally for them. As a parent you cry when they cry. You hurt when they hurt. You never stop worrying about their health, wellness and overall well-being.
Rob and I got married when I was 24 and he was 25. We already had a kind of instant family because Lex was 5 when we got married. So, we made the very smart decision to put off having kids of our own for a bit.
It was very important for us to build a strong foundation in our marriage before adding a baby to the mix. Rob worked really hard in his career and I enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom for our daughter. I believe having those baby free years made it possible for us to be rock solid in our young lives and in our young marriage.
Whenever I go to bridal showers and they ask all the married people to write down their best little nugget of “marriage advice” I always write “wait a while to have children.” Give your marriage time to grow. Give each other the gift of time. Build your relationship before hurling yourselves into sleepless nights, dividing up parental duties and an endless amount of diaper changing.
I know couples that did the opposite. It weighed on their marriage. Some stood the test of time, some did not. The immediate shift from fancy and free couple to the exhaustive, endless responsibilities of a married couple with a baby can be overwhelming. Men especially have a hard time with the transition from couple to parent. Deciding to have a baby is one of very few things that I think both parties have to be 100% on board for. I repeat: do not twist your partner’s arm into having a baby unless they’re completely and utterly ready.
Their stance on having kids shouldn’t come as a surprise.. This should be exhaustively discussed prior to getting married. You don’t want to leave this up to chance. You absolutely should know whether or not your future spouse wants to have children, and what that time table looks like.
If you’re dating someone that says they don’t want children, believe them. It’s a deal breaker that more than likely will not change and trying to “convince” them otherwise is wrong, in my opinion.
Rob and I thoroughly enjoyed the 5 years of baby-free living before we decided to have our two youngest children. We traveled often. Laid in bed on the weekends when we didn’t have Lex. We went out to dinner and clubs with friends. We built our marriage before we decided to add other humans to the mix.
At one point we even contemplated not having any more children. The timing had to be right for us, not some arbitrary time that other people thought was appropriate. People would always ask us “when are you going to have a baby?” It was mostly by loving family and friends but please don’t ask people this question! Some women struggle with infertility and some couples simply can’t or don’t want to have children. It’s insensitive to keep hounding people about when or if they’ll have kids.
Right after my 28th birthday, we decided the timing was right. We were both ready to have a baby and we felt like our marriage was rock solid. We also didn’t want to wait much longer. Not because we were “old” but because as a couple (and me, when I was single) we’d already been parents for a long time. We really wanted to still be at our prime after the kids were grown and away at college.
We were driving back from a Steelers game with my sister and brother-in-law and got to talking about when Rob and I would have our first baby. At this point, we’d been talking about it among the 4 of us for a while. It was on this drive that Rob and I decided “it was time.”
I had an IUD so I scheduled the appointment to get it removed and shockingly got pregnant 2 weeks later. Rob was disappointed that it didn’t take more practice! We were both ecstatic though. Gianna Marie was born 9 months later. We didn’t find out if she was a boy or girl (wait it out if you can — it was so exciting!) I thought she was a boy my entire pregnancy. Not knowing the sex of your baby is one of life’s last real surprises. I can’t recommend it enough.
When Gianna was 3.5 months old I easily (again) got pregnant with our son on our first trip away without baby Gianna in Palm Springs, California. Yes, that pregnancy was planned as well. We wanted the kids close in age and I wanted to put a period at the end of my baby growing days. I was never a fan of pregnancy. You can read a little more about that in this post.
Robert Frank (who we just call Frank) was born 5 days after my 30th birthday.
We knew after Frank was born that our family was complete. Sometimes Rob and I both wish we would’ve had one more baby. Around my 40th birthday there were a few months when we very seriously talked about it. But in the end, it just wasn’t right for us. I’d just launched Forty Young and to be honest were having some trouble in our marriage. I think we both thought maybe a baby would bring us closer again. That’s almost never the case. We’re both very happy with our decision to keep ours a family of 5, not 6.
As a reminder, sign up for my email list so you don’t miss my upcoming series of 4 posts on marriage. I’ll talk about how Rob and I met, what some of the red flags were that we both decided to ignore when things started to get a little rocky in our marriage, how we almost got divorced and why and how our marriage is better than it ever has been!
Having a baby is the biggest life decision you’ll ever encounter. It’s one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Babies are glorious. They smell amazing, they’re the best snugglers and they have the cutest little fat rolls that I just want to bite.
They’re also very demanding and don’t care that you have a big meeting the next morning or haven’t slept in 3 days.
There is a right time to have a baby and it’s when your marriage is rock solid and both partners are on “team baby.” Anything less can cause resentment, a lack of effort for all the baby duties and an unhappy spouse/partner. Your little bundle of adorableness you want to bring into the world should be met with elation and joy, without either partner feeling like the timing isn’t right.
So wait for the right time. I’ve done it both ways and one was a much smoother transition into motherhood and parenting. Planning a pregnancy and being in a secure relationship or marriage where both people are ready, willing and able to parent creates a sense of calm for you, your partner and your new little one. That’s not to say if things don’t go as planned and you find yourself alone or with an unwilling partner that you’re doomed. If you’re planning a pregnancy, think about it though. Wait for the right time. Create the most ideal environment for another family member to join your party of 2 or if you’ve already had a child or children your party of 3, 4, or 5…..
