Rob and I recently celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday we were sitting in a movie theater on our first date watching “Road Trip” and other days it seems like a lifetime ago. My husband and I met when were 22. We are just a few years shy of being together longer than not being together.
We have had our share of ups and downs. My husband and I have both said the first fourteen years of our marriage were really easy. We were “that couple”. Not “that couple” that posted sappy stuff on FB and IG or were constantly telling each other how much we loved each other. Just the couple that had it all together.
The last three years of our marriage have been challenging. The stress of three children, the very sudden loss of a loved one, me deciding to go back to work and dealing with our family-owned business took a toll on us. We are still working on getting back to “all together”. But maybe “all together” isn’t “all that”. Life is messy. Then it’s amazing, then it’s painful, then it’s joyous. And over and over again. Accepting that relationship problems are sometimes unavoidable and there will be peaks and valleys makes sense. There will be times when you look at your spouse and want to push them off a bridge and there will be times that you look at them and are bored and there will be times when you look at them, smile, and know why you can’t do life without them.
After seventeen years I have some advice for those that are thinking about getting married. The number one thing you need is forgiveness. Lots and lots of forgiveness. Without it, you will never make it. Your spouse will likely do things that may seem unforgivable and so will you. If you’re the type that holds grudges, marriage is not for you.
You also need passion. When deciding what’s important in how to make a marriage work, people are quick to blow this off and say you should marry your best friend. I have lots of best friends, but passion is the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship. If you’re about to walk down the aisle and you’re not slightly crazy (the good kind of crazy) about that person at the end waiting for you or walking towards you, you’re already climbing an uphill battle.
The third thing is to accept that people will change over time. I got married at 24. I’m almost 42 now and simply not the same person I was 17 years ago. Rob has changed too. Learning how relationships change over time and finding ways to grow with your partner is not only necessary but healthy. No one should stay the same throughout the course of their life. If you’re not growing and changing as you age, you’re not evolving as a person. Which I think leads to a stale and boring life and marriage and one that can lead to regrets.
Even after 17 years of marriage I still don’t have all the secrets to what makes a good relationship. Does anyone really? My parents have been married 43 years and sometimes they’re still figuring it out. What I do know is that marriage is hard work (probably why half of all marriages end in divorce). But I also know that my life wouldn’t be the same without Rob as my husband. We’ve built a family and a business together through good times and in bad. He is the logical, numbers guy that balances out my gypsy soul and creative side. At the end of the day I have his back and he has mine, unconditionally. Seventeen years and counting.
“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now …” — Fred Rogers
