You are not responsible for other people’s reactions, feelings or emotions to what you say or do.
We live in a time when anything and everything is “offensive.” We’re “offended” by the words of total strangers. We’re “offended” by a 5-second piece of the puzzle on someone’s social media.
There are many reasons why people have hateful or angry reactions to the things you say or do and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with them. Some common possibilities:
None of these are reasons for you to stop being authentic to yourself and those around you.
My answer is no. People’s reactions to you are their responsibility; you have no ownership in them. This is not “selfish”. People demanding or telling you what to do or say because of their feelings is selfish. Not answering to other people’s hurt feelings doesn’t make you mean or self absorbed. It preserves your authenticity and sets boundaries to those you let into your life.
If you want to live *your* life, you’re going to have to get comfortable with other people being uncomfortable with it. If you don’t you may be too codependent on others for validation, which is commonly called people pleasing:
Someone who cares a lot about whether other people like him or her, and always want others to approve of his or her actions
Cambridge Dictionary
People pleasing is a habit many of us formed from the time we were young, especially for women. It’s not a good habit, in my opinion. It’s something I struggled with for a very long time. I was the Queen of keeping others happy, doing and saying what I thought they wanted. While completely neglecting who I was. I wasn’t “Kelly” anymore. I was the sum of the people around me and what they wanted or needed from me. This is an unhealthy way to live your life.
I was a stay at home mom for years (pretty much my entire adult life) before I launched Forty Young. When I decided to launch this blog I had very little support from my family, including my husband. I heard things like “you don’t need to work,” “you’re spending too much time away from the kids,” and “you’re being selfish.”
If I had internalized all of that and let other people’s “feelings” sway me to do what *they* felt was right for *me* I wouldn’t be living my *own* life. It’s the total opposite of authentic living. Your life is not your own when you’re always saying and doing what others want you to — or in some cases, even demand.
I want to empower people by encouraging them to be fully authentic, regardless of whether you (or I) like what they have to say or do. Will people always “like” what you (or I) say and do? Nope. Again, that’s not our problem. I fully promote living a life that is yours. Not your parents, not your spouses, not your kids and not followers on social media.
Every single human has things that strike a nerve with them. The words or actions that hit home the most are usually colliding with our core values and beliefs.
Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person or organization. These guiding principles dictate behavior and can help people understand the difference between right and wrong. Core values also help companies to determine if they are on the right path and fulfilling their goals by creating an unwavering guide. There are many different examples of core values in the world, depending upon the context.
Your dictionary
We were all raised differently and have different backgrounds. We all have different experiences that shape us. Every person is unique, so every person has their own particular set of core values and beliefs. There is nothing sinister, evil or mean about that.
When something “sets you off,” ask yourself why? Are you in a bad mood? Does what that person is saying or doing hit a nerve within you because you know it’s the truth and you immediately go into “defense” mode? Do you just not “like” that person? Does it conflict with your (yours have nothing to do with theirs) core beliefs?
Take a step back for a minute or two or 30 if you need to. No one does well when they react immediately to something they don’t like. After some time passes, revisit the words or actions that brought you to those feelings. Then, after reflection, you may have already moved on with your life. And if you haven’t, ask yourself this: Why am I allowing someone else’s words or actions to have such an impact on my feelings?
Not everything that other people say or do warrants or even deserves a reaction. Just scroll by, unfollow or ignore other people’s words or actions.
You also have permission to remove these people from your life if they’re affecting too much of your energy. There is no need to keep people that you feel are toxic in your life, regardless of who they are. Stop giving the power of *your* feelings and reactions to others.
Come to terms with the fact that not everyone says and does exactly what you would say and do. Accept the fact that even you may say or do things that others may find “offensive” and learn to let them take responsibility for their own feelings. This is not being “mean.” It’s about protecting your own peace. A battle over what you said because of nuance isn’t worth your time and energy. You don’t need to defend and explain everything you do or say to anyone. No one can demand a reaction from you.
Ultimately the power lies within you. What will you allow to influence you and your emotions? That power is everyone’s. The words and actions of one person should have very little impact on your life and your happiness.
