Having children has been romanticized for as long as I can remember, but let’s be honest — being a parent is hard.
I remember angelic pictures of babies and mothers in rocking chairs, Mom and Dad lovingly looking at their baby sleeping in the crib, Mom walking down the street holding her toddler’s hand. Positive parenting seemed easy.
This is not reality. They’re moments in time that do exist, but overall, this is not what having children is really like.
The reality is that having children involves so much unrelenting work that it’s hard to even verbalize. I put together a guide about what being a parent is really like and what it really entails for other parents to laugh at, bemoan and relate to. For non-parents, it’s a glimpse into what lies ahead if you decide to take on the most thankless — but somehow amazing — role of parenting.
Do you enjoy peace and quiet? It’s a rare commodity in the parenting world. I recently wrote a post about how noisy my house is. For parents it was probably relatable, and for non-parents you may have thought I live in a zoo. When you have kids, you’ll never really have peace and quiet again.
Which brings me to my next point. Think vacations with your spouse or friends is your escape? You’d be wrong, with communication being so easy today. You’ll hear from your children no less than 47 times in a weekend and probably 642 in a week’s trip away. Times have changed.
I remember when I was a kid, my parents went to Acapulco, Mexico, and my gram watched my sister and me. We heard from them once. Once. Phone service to America in the 80s was terrible, and my parents had to beg the manager of the hotel to let them use the hotel’s phone to call. I don’t even think I spoke to them and I’m certain I didn’t ask them where my favorite skirt with the blue polka dots was. They actually had the opportunity to miss us. Modern parenting doesn’t allow for much longing for our children with them texting, calling and FaceTiming us all day, every day.
Outsiders will judge your parenting relentlessly. My son is as hyper as they come and would throw temper tantrums anywhere, anytime, over anything. Here’s an example: I was 7 months pregnant and on a flight back from Aruba with a very fussy 1-year-old Gianna. In both cases, I tried my very best to settle my children. They wanted no part of it. The glares, stares and whispers were evident. I was being judged because I couldn’t control my children.
Others will judge you about whether you know how to control your children’s screen time. The snack you bring to the sporting events (is it organic, nut free, sugar free, dye free and tastes like dirt? Karen wants to know.) Are you going to nurse or bottle feed? Does your baby sleep with you? Your baby won’t sleep through the night? Your baby is sleeping through the night? Bet you made them “cry it out.” You can’t win. Parent from your intuition and not because of naysayers. You will instinctively know what to do if you let yourself guide you.
Sleeping in is a long forgotten past time when you have a baby. I swear there is an unspoken code amongst babies that no matter what time they go to bed, they must wake by 6 a.m. You never know what kind of “sleep style” your baby is going to have either. They’re literally like a “box of chocolates.” Gianna screamed all night for months until I figured out the only thing that got her sleep was swaddling her like a mummy, putting her in the swing and running a vacuum CD on repeat until dawn.
Babies train you to get up early and then they become teenagers who stay up all night when all you want them to do is go to sleep. Today, Frank is playing (shouting at) his Xbox and Gianna thinks that screaming is the only way to communicate on Facetime till the wee hours of the morning. No rest for the weary.
Forget searching for ”kid-friendly restaurants near me.“ Going out to eat with children is not worth the time and energy, period. In fact, going to many places isn’t worth the time and energy. Will the kids behave? What’s the nap schedule? Will they be quiet enough so you can actually enjoy wherever it is you are? In most cases, Rob and I have agreed it wasn’t worth the hassle.
You must accept that your children’s bodily fluids will come in contact with you, often. I’ve come in very close contact with pee, poop, vomit, snot, boogies, ear wax, blood and puss. Frank peed in my face on several occasions and I’ve played “nurse” more times then one can imagine.
Nothing is yours anymore. Nothing is sacred, not even your underwear if you have daughters. I’m not joking. Now that Gianna is almost 14, my clothes go missing on the regular. I’m used to this type of thievery as her older sister did the same thing, so I have an idea of what to do when your child steals from you. I once installed a keypad lock on my closet door. She broke it and got into my closet one weekend when I was away. I often wonder what’s happened to my missing socks, earrings and clothes. I hope they have good homes wherever they are.
I can’t tell you how many times in a week I bellow “Who took my hairbrush?!” I tried to solve this problem by buying a dozen hairbrushes from Amazon. We have 1 left. I have no idea where it is until I go on my daily hunt for the hairbrush.
Having boys does avoid some of this drama. The only thing Frank really steals is batteries from the TV remote for his Xbox remote.
Wanting to actually have sex with your partner when you have little ones is the first hurdle (that does get better as they get older) but finding the time and the location is a whole ‘nother story. All three of our children have “walked in” on us. Make sure you have locks on your doors and that you use them.
Planning a night out? Fantastic! Now you just have to find someone that you trust to watch your own flesh and blood. I have always had good luck with this, probably because of my relentless pursuit of said person. Many parents say it’s difficult though.
Forget about spontaneity. Everything is planned and usually months in advance. As a single person you might wake up on a Sunday and decide to have a boozy brunch with your partner or friends, so you do. After you have children this is almost impossible. Your life is not yours anymore. Almost every minute of your day will be dictated by your children. Naps, diaper changing, feedings, sports, school, birthday parties, inevitable illnesses and their mood now run your world.
When it comes to positive parenting, you must have a sense of humor. Have you ever seen the movie It’s a Wonderful Life? George Bailey is the main character, and after a series of unfortunate events (that he overcomes), his uncle loses a lot of money, which could cost him his sanity and his freedom (he could go to jail.) He comes home after learning of the problem and the kids are whining: one is playing the piano and another is sick. He’s quite literally losing his shit and walks into homelife chaos. He goes to reach for the newel post on his stairs that still isn’t fixed after years of living in their home and he says, “Why do we have to have all these kids?”
It’s not really meant to be a funny part of the movie but Rob and I say it to each other all the time when parenting just gets the better of us and there’s really nothing else to say. It’s an instant pressure release. Laughing about the ridiculousness of parenting helps us survive it.
The thing is, Rob and I truly love being parents in spite of all my lovely “what you should know about parenting” tips above. In no way do I hate being a mom, and Rob and I have wanted to be parents for as long as we can both remember. We’ve been blessed with three amazing, very different children. Each one of them has brought —and continues to bring — something to our family that we’d never know we’d miss without them being ours.
I think parents in general need to be a little more forthcoming with the realities of parenting (especially modern parenting). Yes, those beautiful moments will happen but don’t go into parenting with that being your daily expectation. Don’t hold yourself to those unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.
Parenting and solely being a parent is a journey with many bumps, bruises, mistakes, curse words and wins along the way. Expect that and you’ll probably laugh at yourself more than you curse the day you decided to have children. It’s a great gift with the rewards for your hard work far in the future, but it’s totally worth it.
